QUERY: THE TRIAD SOCIETY (a draft)

Part of the webinar I posted about earlier is a query critique. I've already queried out BM&BBQ and WCO, so it's time to bite the bullet on TTS. Below is a first draft query letter. Your constructive feedback is greatly appreciated.


Otwald d'Kilrachen intervenes when Torvald d'Bluefire's dissolution of an affair turns violent. Otwald delivers Torvald to the authorities and sends the injured woman to the hospital. But when she never arrives, Torvald accuses him of kidnapping her, the Princess Annelie. On the run, Otwald searches a city fractured into rival societies. He must find Princess Annelie and exonerate his name, but in so doing, may spark a revolution.

THE TRIAD SOCIETY is a 95,000-word light-steampunk/fantasy. This will be my first novel publication.

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Otwald wants nothing more than to live his life as a count's son should, with honor, duty, and service. He sees the kingdom crumbling under the weight of its own bureaucracy, the capital breaking into rival factions, and wonders if his family is to blame. They control the garrison. His brother lead the soldiers during the massacre at Kester Square. And they murdered him for it.

Mourning the death of his brother, Otwald intervenes when he sees three nobles attacking a young woman. A nobleman should know better. A nobleman should act better. He defeats them all, turns them into the authorities, and sends the woman off to the hospital. The legal bureaucracy is turned against him. He must find the woman to exonerate himself, but she never made it to the hospital. To find her, he may strike the spark that finally ignites revolution.

THE TRIAD SOCIETY is an 85,000-word light-steampunk fantasy with series potential. This would be my first novel publication.

The Impotence of Proofreading of Proofreading

For those of you who do not know, my day job is in publishing as well. I commute to Boston (writing the majority of my manuscripts on the train in and out of the city) and toil away in a cube for a major publisher. This is not the first publisher I've worked for. The formula I put forward is: take the decade of your age (I turn 33 this Saturday, so my decade is 3), subtract 1, and that's how many publishers you've worked for. This holds true a ridiculous amount of the time. Publishing is an incredibly incestuous business.

Oh so long ago (going on 8 years now), I began in book production. These are the people who actually manage the typesetting and printing of your book. When you miss your deadline, it isn't your editor that makes up that time. No, it's the project manager that has to maintain your pub date with half as much time. Keep that in mind next time you're missing your deadline. If they have to make the same date, that means they have to cut things out (like proofreading, and let me tell you, that's one of the first things to get cut).

Anyway, I bring this up because I was ruminating on life as a lowly Associate Project Manager. My boss, in an effort to maintain the type of publishing she started in (back when leading meant something more than just a value entered in InDesign/Quark) made me proofread everything that came across my desk. We started with the red pen and then moved on to Track Changes in Word. I'm getting close to "graduating" and getting to act like a modern project manager and not the old-style project editor (a style the company had only just abandoned and which many publishers still use today despite the cost savings of using freelancers). I turn over a Word file. I've put a lot of spit and polish into this thing. I've used the company's style sheets (with the most bizarre rules for commas) and gone over it with a fine-toothed comb. This is a winner.

"Are you sure this is final? You're done with it?"

"Yes," I say with confidence--a confidence I gripped like a vice before it flee from that discerning stare she'd use on me.

She hits F7. I always forgot F7 is the hotkey for Word's spelling and grammar check. Really, I forgot about Word's spelling and grammar checker. I never used the thing because it always caught so many words that were actually words that it felt like a waste of time.

Wouldn't have been a waste that time. The thing didn't even get off the first page when it caught an error. She looked up at me, discerning turning to withering. Was that the end? Oh no, we went through the entire document, one error after another to show me how much I still sucked.

Being a fantasist, you can imagine how difficult spell check is (especially using OpenOffice, which has some pretty basic words missing from its dictionary). Fantastical names, places, monsters. Weapons that haven't been used for a thousand years or never at all on this world. Spell check seems like a headache. But let me tell you, friend, it's a worthwhile headache. It'll save you embarrassment down the line. Let my early publishing shame serve as a lesson for all: F7.

But how, Joe? you might ask. How can you ask us to wade through all those errors-that-are-not-errors? Because, I answer, you will create a dictionary for your wip.

Most word processors use a standard dictionary. Do NOT just add wip-specific words to this default dictionary. These words may be similar to real words that you may misspell later. Or they may be similar to other words you create for other wip and then everything goes to hell. No, sir, you're going to create a new dictionary for each manuscript you write (with a handy exception mentioned below). If you're using Word, a new dictionary is a copy of the default plus any new words you add. You can name this dictionary whatever you want. Hence, if I wrote in word, the dictionary I would currently be using would be "Jehovahs_Hitlist" or something along that line. When you click on a word marked as an error and say to add to the dictionary, it gives you a choice of which dictionary to add it to. When you are done with the wip, you can then change your Word processor back to the default dictionary.

This is one of the places where OpenOffice really shines. Rather than duplicating the default dictionary, you can choose which dictionaries are active at any time. Thus, "Jehovahs_Hitlist" is only the words I add for that manuscript (and I can go into that list and edit/delete terms as I choose). For series works, you can have have a series dictionary rather than a per-wip dictionary OR you can have individuals. Then, when events from those separate works collide later down the road, you can turn on and off the dictionaries relevant to the work you're creating. (OO also maintains the "ignore all" list even after you've shut down the program, so you don't have to do it all again when you restart later like you do for Word.)

What this gets you is that when you F7, you'll find genuine misspelled words, and your document will be all the cleaner for the effort (not to mention a list of all the custom words you created for your wip that you can then add to your stylesheet for the copyeditor to reference). Now, spellcheck isn't the end-all/be-all. Homonyms and Homophones still lurk within your pages along with the errant auto-correct-to-new-error. Always check your work before you send it off to beta readers or agents. You don't want to end up being this guy. When you finally send it off, it'll be much better for your effort.

Wash Your Pants

My wife is inspired. This means: I don't have to cook dinner (yay!), it will most likely be delicious (yay!), you get another post (yay!).

Elizabeth Poole and I often discuss our differing writing styles. She's a plotter. I'm a pantser. Once I get a solid grip on the plot and the characters, I can often project what the forthcoming chapters will be (generally not more than 8 ahead, but I once went as far as 14). Even then, I'll often add chapters that I hadn't realized I needed as a matter of pacing or extra details that are necessary to keep the plot/character developments believable. I don't sit down and make an outline.

Chapter 1, Jehovah gets boots from the charity drop box. Chapter 2, Jehovah talks to Sid in the hallway. Chapter 3, Old Hobbe interrogates Jehovah to make sure he wasn't joy killing. etc.

I have reached a spot in this particular wip (this particular wip being JEHOVAH'S HITLIST) where I need to take my pants off for a bit. Jehovah has finally received his hitlist (hence the name, obviously). He has five people to kill. I have always known he was going to kill five people and I always knew one of them would be a woman up above. Other than that, I knew absolutely nothing about that list. I didn't define that list until chapter five. For the first four chapters of the manuscript, the names were "xxx, xxx, xxx, xxx, and xxx." I'm not making that up.

Side note! I use xxx as a quick-search indicator for something that needs to be referenced, corrected, or added. I use qqq as a marker so I can find that mark (usually the point I stopped writing when an appendix or later chapters that I just had to write make the end of the manuscript not the point of writing).

So I finally have my five names, and I know what they all do and why they are relevant to the progression of the story. This is a good thing. I pantsed my way there. Now it's time for Jehovah to find and kill them and I have to stop.

I could pants this. I could. It's not that difficult. I've pantsed three novels so far as well as the first ten chapters of this novel. The trick is, even when you pants your novel, a plotted outline can come in handy. I'm about to hunt and kill five characters. Without any forethought, I may simply repeat the chase five times (which is boring). Or I may not throw in any speedbumps (which is boring). I need to know where these people are, how Jehovah is going to find out where they are, how that pursuit is going to be different for each person, and I need to know how finding that person leads him to the next on the list.

I could pants it all, but it's harder to create the spiderweb of how these people are interconnected and how Jehovah's progressing assassinations unravels that web by the seat of your pants than it is to stop and draw some lines.

So if you're like me and plotting doesn't do you much good, don't abandon the tool all together. You can usually see a handful of chapters into your book anyway. A mid-manuscript outline can give your first draft some refined quality and save you a headache on your revisions.

(Now, the question is, can I take my own advice. I began brainstorming on Rori Schapp today and came up with a bunch of cool setting stuff on Pennsylvania Avenue, the fallen government of the Nation, the absence of Philadelphia Park, and the creation of the DMZ [dead-man's zone]. When you get exciting ideas like that, it's hard not to just sit down and start cranking them out. But eventually Jehovah is going to kill Rori Schapp and I need to know how he's going to pursue Mary Maryland or I'm just back in the same bucket I'm in now.)

In which I post a second time about semi- and/or unrelated topics

My wife went to Philadelphia this summer to see a men's regional Barbershop competition. (My wife is a competitive Barbershopper.) While there, she bought me some barbecue chicken seasoning. The odor was pretty strong and I was unsure if I would like it. DEAR LORD THIS STUFF IS GOOD! I only bring that up because I'm on my lunch break right now and I'm eating some barbecue chicken. I thought you all should know how delicious my chicken is and how awesome my wife is. I can't remember the name of the market she bought it at. Some place in the city, perhaps Union Station or the like. It's a vendor cart full of spices and the barbecue chicken is delicious.

My wife who loves me calls me Joe (among other personal endearments). So do most of my friends and everyone I work with. When I write, I go by Joseph L. Selby or a derivative thereof. (I picked jlselby for twitter as a means of saving character space for replies). Most people online call me Joseph because that's how they see my name. Recently, both online and at work, I've noticed an increase of people calling me Selby. Not Mr. Selby, which would be formal but acceptable, but just Selby. Now for colleagues, this may normally be appropriate. For strangers, I can't imagine referring to someone by their last name only and thinking I was doing so politely.

For me personally, whether I know someone or not, I hate being called by my last name. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I don't hate my last name. But I am one of many Selbys. I have a large family and they all have the same last name. (Granted, Joe is a common name, but I am Joe Selby and the only one of my name in my family.) So, please don't call me Selby. Especially if you don't know me. Who the hell thinks that's acceptable?

Recently, someone called me JL and that just tickled me to no end. It was on twitter, so it makes sense that they may not know my name if they only ever see me there. And of course there is the need to conserve character space. I intenionally chose jlselby for this blog URL hoping someone would do it again. It's a name I never imagined being called and I smile with amusement every time I think about it. Not that I would permanently adopt that as a professional name. That would take funny to weird, which I reserve for the second date.

Something I got called the other day that I haven't been called in years is Josey. This was my nickname for a long time. No, not Josie (the female name a la Josie and the Pussycates), but Josey (the male name a la the Outlaw Josey Wales). I was sixteen when I was first given that nickname by one of my managers at Burger King. I had a tendency to get in trouble a lot when I was younger (I know, a big surprise, right?) and the Outlaw Josey Selby took hold and held on until I was 25 or so. I never minded it. I love Clint Eastwood westerns (with the exception of Joe Kidd which is a lame movie) and being named after such a seminal movie was all right by me.

Now it's Joe or Joseph, either are acceptable.

I watched Invictus for the first time last night, a Clint Eastwood-directed movie (see how I tied that all together? natch ;). There were (a lot of) trailers before I actually got to movie itself. Among them was the 35-years/35-movies box set from Warner Brothers. This piqued my interest until I counted just how many Clint Eastwood movies I already own and realized it wouldn't be worth the money. They had clips from the interviews with Clint that are included in the special features. I thought I'd share a few (althought not direct quotes, as close as I can get).

The first one that caught me was a discussion on how he made movies like The Outlaw Josey Wales, which were a turn from the kind of westerns that were made at the time. He said he never thought to make movies that other people liked. He made the kind of movies he wanted to see and it turned out that other people wanted to see them too.

For a fantasist who writes with little/no magic and little/no fantastical creatures, this kind of thing is huge. I write the kind of books I want to read! Maybe other people will want to read them too.

The other one was his first offer. He had been rejected so many times over and over and over again that he jumped at the chance when someone finally made him an offer.

WHAT? Someone rejected Clint Eastwood? They rejected Josey Wales? They rejected William Munny? No one rejects William Munny. They get shot by William Munny then they go talk about how exciting it was with all the other people that just got shot by William Munny. There is no rejection of William Munny!

Clint Eastwood got rejected. A LOT. This is exciting. Thirty-five years from now I can talk about how much I got rejected and someone can make a blog post asking how anyone could reject Bastin the Bold or Otwald d'Kilrachen.

I don't know kid, but they did. Keep your chin up. ;)

Description is Tricky

Hannah Mosk commented recently that her first drafts are very short. They end up being mostly dialogue. She goes in during revision and fleshes the story out to its full potential. I'm getting better at this, but it used to be incredibly hard for me not to do anything but dialogue. That's where the story moves along. That's where the excitement happens, the test of wills between protagonist and antagonist. Oh sure, you can write about Indiana Jones running away from the boulder, but it isn't until he runs into Beloch and the Ubutu that things really heat up.

I receive complements on my description and it always confuses me. I don't think I'm very good at it. In fantasy especially, it is customary to describe everything from the sky to the scent of the air to the dew on the grass. Perhaps I'm tired of over-description and that's why I limit what I describe. Or maybe I'm just not good at it, so I avoid it. I don't go into a lot of detail about what my main character looks like (I think this is a reaction to all the time spent trying to make the "cool hero" when I was a younger writer). I've received complements from people who said they prefer to envision the hero how they want to envision them and the author forcing a description on them lessens the character. I don't agree with that, but...um...thanks? Our appearances say a lot about us, the hardships we've faced, the decisions we've made, the nuances that distinguish us from others. Amorphous beings running around interacting with other amorphous beings isn't appealing to me.

(I will note that unless it improves the situation/description, I intentionally don't describe characters' skin color. If you want the hero to be black or Arab or latino, I have no problem with that. That kind of thing is infrequently relevant to the stories I tell.)

So I try to walk that line of just enough description. I don't talk a lot about the sun or the wind or dawn or whatever. I use similes to put it into a context the reader understands (without breaking the verisimilitude of the setting) and move on. Skewed similes are a great way to show the differences between the story setting and real life. But I don't dwell. Forward action. Is that good? Is that too Michael Bay? Is that a product of a life spent in front of a TV/movie screen as much as in front of a book? *shrug* I don't know. I do know that I was reading ROSEMARY AND RUE by Hugo Award-winning author Seanan McGuire. She crafted an awesome paragraph of description. Awesome in the Eddie Izzard sense of awesome not the hot dogs and socks kind of awesome. It was so awesome that I stopped and admired the craft of the paragraph.

I stopped and admired the paragraph and immediately realized I had left the story. The description was so literary that I left the story as a result of its literariness. It wasn't over-written, that's bad writing. This was good writing, but it was just dropped in the wrong place. The story was on a roll and I came to a screaching stop to admire the majesty of the paragraph's sunset when I should have been worrying about the protagonist and what happened to changelings at sunrise.

It's those moments that make me think that maybe I don't suck at description. Maybe I put as much description in a story as I want to find in stories I read. I still think it's a weak spot of mine. Am I shorting my setting? Or worse, will all my settings seem the same because they don't have enough description to tell them apart? Time and manuscripts will tell. This has been on my mind, though. I'm writing JEHOVAH'S HITLIST (or DOWN BELOW THE UP ABOVE), a walled city beneath a giant platform city in the sky after the oceans have risen and the world has transitioned into the cities above and the ghettos below. Am I describing Down Below enough? It's tricky. None of them have been up on the wall. Almost all of them were born well after the oceans rose and don't know anything except their little city. How do you describe the microchosm of their existence when they themselves don't understand it? There are only so many times I want to know that the city is dirty, full of trash, absent of wood or plastic, etc. At some point, we need to get on with the story.

How about you? Is there a particular feature of storycraft you have difficulty with?

Struggling with Voice

As I get older and make a more concerted effort to write professionally, I do not write with the abandon that I did when I was young. A younger me wrote phonetically and with dialects whenever I wanted to express an accent. An older me mentions the accent, but only touches a few key words phonetically. It came from a discussion whether such abstract spellings were the best way to communicate the differences in language. Given that so many of my old stories were the quality of an inexperienced writer, I chose to go the opposite direction.

That's not the only reason. I like to include minorities. I lived in St. Louis city (demographically 66% black) and hung out in areas where I could absorb that kind of culture. Not wholly, of course, but enough I felt comfortable replicating it in words. People seem less willing to accept that, and the further I am away from living in St. Louis, trading it for the predominantly white northeast, I begin to question my own recollection of what was St. Louis living and what was from "The Wire." So, if I avoid using phonetic spelling or dialect, I avoid being called a racist or being laughed at (while they think I'm being racist but don't say it--I hate that one too).

I recently added THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN to my nook. Mark Twain is one of my literary heroes and reading the novel reminded me how much I've given up by not writing my characters speech the way they speak. I've become too scared of criticism, justified it by saying I don't want to support wrong thinking with my writing or that a person just revises the text to what they understand anyway so I'm just adding a step. But when I read the way Huck and Jim speak, I get more than the words. I get the person. I get how they think. What matters. How they process things.

THE TRIAD SOCIETY has a variety of accents, none of which I properly explore. I relegate it to urban being "it is" and rural being "tis," what I feel now is a ridiculous copout.

There is a lot of talk about the author's voice on blogs. Characters and characterization are part of that voice, but not the entirety. What I've found is that why I can maintain the novel's voice during description, I lock up when I express character voice. This needs drastic and immediate attention. Time to write with a little more abandon.

(And call me racist all you want. Go to St. Louis Ave. and Grand on May 1 [the May Day Celebration] and you'll think you've walked into a video. I shit you not.)

(If you're interested in a great people watching place for St. Louis culture, try Captain D's on Kingshighway. It's amazing how much happens at that place--or at least happened when I lived in St. Louis. If you want a darker side of the city that doesn't put you in direct gunfire, head down to the river and follow the tracks. There's some grim living down there.)